You've heard that someone has died. Maybe a friend's parent, a colleague's partner, a neighbour you only saw in passing. The first thing most of us do is sit looking at a blank screen wondering what on earth to write. The second thing we do is put it off. And then it's a week later and we still haven't said anything and now it feels even worse.
This guide is for that moment. The thing to know first is: what you say matters far less than the fact that you said anything at all. The "perfect" message doesn't exist. Saying something imperfect today is much better than saying something polished in three weeks.
The shortest version that always works
I'm so sorry to hear about [Name]. Thinking of you and your family.
That's it. Two sentences. You don't have to do more. If you can't think of anything else, send that, and send it now.
The structure that helps when you want to say more
If you have a relationship to the deceased or to the person you're writing to, a slightly longer message might come naturally. The structure that almost always works:
- Acknowledge what's happened — directly. Don't dance around it.
- Say something about the person who died — a memory, a quality, what they meant to you, even something small.
- Offer something tangible — not a vague "let me know if you need anything" (people never do), but a specific thing. A meal dropped off. A walk together next week. School pickup for the kids on Tuesday.
You don't have to do all three. One of them is plenty.
Examples for different relationships
For someone you knew well
I was so sorry to hear about Sarah. I keep thinking about that summer we all spent in Cornwall — she was the only one who could make all the kids sit still long enough for that group photo. I have it on my fridge still. I'll bring lasagne round on Thursday — leave the door on the latch and I won't disturb you. Just thinking of you all.
For a colleague who's lost a parent
James, I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. From the way you talked about him I always got the sense he was a really good one. Take whatever time you need — I'll cover the Thursday meeting and check in on the Henderson account. There's no rush back. Thinking of you.
For someone you barely knew (a friend's spouse, a neighbour)
I was so sorry to hear about your wife. I didn't know her well but she always had a kind word for me at the school gate. Thinking of you and the children.
For someone older that you only met once or twice
I'm so sorry to hear that your grandmother has passed away. From the way you spoke about her she sounded a remarkable woman. Sending love to your whole family.
When you really didn't know them at all
I just heard about your dad. I didn't have the chance to meet him but I know how much he meant to you. Thinking of you.
What to avoid
None of these are catastrophic, but they all tend to land badly:
- "Everything happens for a reason" — even if you believe it, it's not what someone wants to hear. Skip.
- "They're in a better place" — assumes the bereaved person's faith and assumes a comfort that often isn't felt yet. Skip.
- "I know exactly how you feel" — you don't, even if you've experienced loss yourself. Try "I can only imagine" or just "I'm so sorry".
- "At least…" — anything that starts with "at least" is going to invalidate the loss. *"At least it was peaceful." "At least they're not in pain anymore." "At least they had a long life."* Skip them all.
- "Let me know if there's anything I can do" — kind but useless. People in grief almost never have the energy to ask for help. Be specific instead.
- Asking how they died — unless they bring it up, don't.
- Talking about your own loss — if you've lost someone too, save it for a face-to-face conversation later. The condolence message is about them, not you.
If you want to send something more than words
- A handwritten card. Old-fashioned, takes 5 minutes, means everything.
- Flowers — but check first whether the family has asked for "donations in lieu". Many do.
- A donation to the charity the family has nominated. Often more meaningful than flowers.
- A specific meal at a specific time. "I'll drop a curry round on Sunday at 6 — no need to invite me in" beats "let me know if you need anything" by a country mile.
- A memory. A photo you took years ago. A funny anecdote. A note about something the person did that made a difference. These are gold to a grieving family.
If they've shared a memorial page online
Many families now create an online memorial page where anyone can read about the person, find service details, and leave a written message of condolence. If you've been sent a link to one, leaving a message there has a few advantages over a private text:
- The family can read it when they're ready (not when their phone pings)
- Other people who knew the person see it too — there's something powerful about a page filling up with memories from across someone's whole life
- It becomes a permanent record they can return to
If you're posting on a memorial page, the same rules apply: short is fine, specific memory is gold, "thinking of you" is enough.
If you've left it too long
It's never too late. A message a month or six months after the funeral, when most people have moved on and the bereaved are at their loneliest, is often the most appreciated of all.
I've been thinking about you. I know it's been a while since [Name] passed but I wanted to say I still think of them often. How are you, really?
That's it. Send the imperfect message. Today.